What Really Grinds My Gears

You know what really grinds MY gears?! This new saying I've been hearing lately about how some expert so-and-so "has forgotten more about *insert topic here* than you'll ever learn" What's up with that? I've been hearing about it on ESPN a lot lately. So-and-so "has forgotten more about baseball than most will ever know." Wait. Hold up. What the fuck? You are just contradicting your company and credibility with that statement. You're bringing on a so-called "expert" in whatever field you're talking about. Experts are supposed to know EVERYTHING. But, they've somehow forgotten a bunch of shit? What the fuck? Experts don't forget anything, plain and simple.

You know what else grinds my gears, the fact that we drive on parkways but park our cars in driveways. I mean, that's about as retarded as Iceland and Greenland. Iceland is very beautiful, and Greenland is covered in ice (Thank you Iceland chick from D2: The Mighty Ducks) I mean, what genious decided to name those 2 countries that?

Guy 1: "Hey, I have an idea. Lets call the land with a whole bunch of ice 'Greenland' and the land with a bunch of trees 'Iceland'. That'll REALLY fuck their shit up."

Guy 2: "HAHA. Do it, dude. You won't you totally won't................OH DUDE YOU JUST DID IT! YOU NAMED THE TWO COUNTRIES THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY SHOULD REPRESENT! YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING BAD ASS!"

You know what ELSE grinds my gears? FOX News. I mean, I really don't even have to explain it, really. Just watch it. These prejudice, ultra-religious, right-wing nutjobs practically WANT Obama to fail. It's crazy that this is still considered a legitimate news source.

You know what else grinds my gears? When people leave their number on my voice mail and say it so fast you can't get it written down. So there I am, listening to my voicemail, and the messenger will go from speaking in his normal voice to Speedy Gonzalez in nothing flat.

Messenger: "Give me a call, my number is sixonetwoeightfiveninefiveonenineseven."

Me: "What the hell, I've got 12 numbers here. How the hell did I get 12 numbers? And for some reason I have a 'G' in here. Yep, a fricken 'G'."

Whenever I leave a message for someone that doesn't have my number, I always make sure to use the same rhythm and pauses that are socially adequate. "Five-Five-Fiiiiiiiiiiive.............Four-Two..............Three-Six." If you can't get that, then you're just not paying attention.

I absolutely CANNOT wait for Colts season to start. I'm pucken fumped. Who wants to go to a game or 2 with me?!